Graduation 2019

by Family
Ethan Davis Malone
Tanner Jason Moss

Next week two of my grandsons will graduate high-school. It is scary how fast they grew up on me. I am proud, and sad, and eager to see what lies ahead for the both of them. One is Tanner, (on the right in the image above), the son of my son, Jason, and one is Ethan, (on the left in the image above), the son of my daughter, Darla.

I have been flashing back and forth in my head the last few days from my childhood and then to the time I got married and instantly became a dad; or officially, a step-dad. When I married their mom, Jason had just turned seven and Darla was soon to be three.

I remember the very first day I went to Jason’s school as a parent to pick him up. Earlier in that day, I had gone to a local library and checked out a book that was titled something like. “Being a Step-Parent” As I waited out in the car for Jason to come out to be picked up, I turned to the first chapter and in it contained the following words:

“””Step-parents have no “legal” rights. In other words, they have no right to custody or visitation, they have no legal say in the upbringing of the children, no decision-making rights in terms of choosing schools, doctors, religions, etc.”””

I remember that reading that, hurt, and why I just wasn’t sure. I knew I loved their mom, and loved them both very much. And seeing those words made me feel that love maybe wasn’t really real?? I knew better. But there it was in black and white burning its way through my soul. I didn’t read much further, I didn’t see the need to. All I knew was I tried to place my heart in the right place to teach and show them how much I loved them and how much I loved their mom.

As they grew up, the single most difficult question that was ever and often asked of me, was “Danny, why is your last name Davis and your kids name Moss. I thought they were yours?”” I always took that as a compliment mostly and I usually would uncomfortably reply that I was their step-dad. I don’t know why it was so uncomfortable. In my mind each time this came up as a question, I thought back to the passage in that book….almost every time.

My wife and I divorced in 2009 and she died just a few years ago. In 2010 I got very ill and all of that is history that i don’t care to re-live here. But I moved in with my son and his family and have been here ever since. Maybe I should have said step-son, but either way it’s where I am at. I am very thankful for that.

Which brings me to the upcoming graduation. I am letting it totally mess my head up. I know I am not the model grand-parent, or should I say the model step-grand-parent. I have made mistakes I cannot correct as a grand-parent. I do not get out much for various different reasons.  I believe some of it stems from my childhood and my dad. He was so anti-social as I grew up and with my mom dying when i was 15, I became a basket case that didn’t help matters much. I, too, am very anti-social. But I can’t blame everything on my late father as I am sure he did the best he could with his sometimes hard-headed bratty son; me.

The graduation coming up is an important time, a proud time, a family time. And it has made me realize how screwed up I really am. The toughest thing about it for me is my relationships with my grandsons. One grandson I live with, and don’t talk to very much and the other, I have not seen in over two years, and he only lives 5 miles away. 99% of that situation, is my fault. 100% of that situation, I don’t have an explanation for; except I am an anti-social asshole and about being a good step-grand-parent??…I failed miserably.

I really cant wait to see them both cross the stage and get their diplomas. When Ethan gets his diploma, I wonder if they will call out his full name, Ethan “Davis” Malone? That could make me totally cry. His middle name was named after me. It could also make me feel so ashamed of myself. I sure hope it doesn’t rain because if it does, I suspect I wont get to see either in person as their graduations are both held outside and if moved inside, there is limited space assigned for parents only.

I know I’ve failed my grand-kids and my kids in the last ten years. I have no excuse except after my illness in 2010 through 2012, I sort of just became, lost to the world somewhat. It was a slow process but at some point, I seemed to have crawled into a huge hole that I thought was my protection from who knows what. What it really did was cause extreme hurt to some people I love a lot. I pushed myself away from parts of my family. It is a lonely place to find yourself in.

And now, the living being I talk to daily the most is a four legged best friend named Max, who is on his last roads of his life as I try my best to take care of him. And I realize I have been better at taking care of him than I have been a parent or grand-parent these past few years and that carries a huge flaw in what I should have been doing.

Again I repeat my first request at the beginning of this post over on Facebook, please do not reply. If you feel you must, then do it through a PM. I post this for me alone to try and start the much needed healing process. I don’t want anyone judging me or any of my family, its not fair to any of us. I have to deal with the effects of this, my way.

I do so hope the weather gets better next week.!

About To Graduate

by Family
  • Listening To: My Eulogy by Various Artists

He is about to graduate! I do feel old as crap at times, but HE IS ABOUT TO GRADUATE!!!

It seems like a very long time ago in many ways but in reality, it is not. Tanner is Back when I first started babysitting him we Shrek And Donkey in Shrek 1use to watch the movie Shrek together. Shrek came out in 2001, the same year Tanner was born.  Tanner use to lay on my tummy as we watched it and there were certain parts in it he giggled at uncontrollably. I would rewind it and watch it over and over and it got the same reaction out of him each time. My God; itis 2019 now and he is about to graduate. Plus he intends on going to Baptists Medical Sciences College in Memphis for the first step in his college life? Did I mention we use to watch Shrek with him on my tummy?

Slipping

One other grandson, Ethan is also graduating in two months. I have not seen him in about two years but right now I really don’t want to go there. He is the doll on the left in this image of them. Missing him a lot lately, but, when Renetta died, the importance in the stepdad scenario came crashing down on me in a huge wave concerning part of my family. Again I am not going there right now.  But Legally I am alone when it comes to blood relatives I use to call my family, legally. I AM NOT GOING THERE OK?

Crashing

Too Late..I’m there. I remember back when I first was married I would go to the elementary school to Pick up the kids. I got this book from the library and it was about being a step parent. One of the first pages had this big print it: “Basically You Have No Rights”, but that can never stop you from loving your new kids. Man did I Struggle reading that book but I finished it and afterward, felt confused somewhat. I still am.

Some people would say I am a failure. I live with my (step) son and his family, I miss my stepdaughter Darla and her family. Ethan is her son. I have this fear that Tanner Moss and Brennan Lawlerthe bonds broke somewhat when my wife died. This hurt is not all my fault, OK?

Landing

The post started out to be about Tanner. I have his old room. He lives now in the awesome upstairs. I love this room. It kind of reminds me of some of the time I spent in the military. It’s confining somewhat, but it feels good; secure. And Max is with me. He’s dying ya know. But as long as I feel he is not hurting to live, I will take care of him every waking moment. He’s my best friend. Sometimes, he feels as if he’s my only friend, but that’s ok.

The last image here is of Tanner and Brennan. I love her so much. They seem to make a great couple and I hope they stay together. They both are solid Christians and live life the right way in my opinion. Time will tell as they both start college this fall. Did I mention they are going to the same school? She is planning on becoming a nurse!

And me, I can’t get that song out of my head when Donkey and Shrek first got to the……did I mention he laid on my tummy and giggled his ass off.

Father’s Day Revisited – To My Dad With Understanding

by with No Comment Family

On this Father’s Day, I decided to release some inner anger or better yet, some very inner confusion that I can say I’ve had for a long time but lately I’ve been able to understand things that have opened my eyes some in a good way about my Dad.

It’s taken me 50+ years to figure out that nothing is set in stone when it comes to pain and heartache…..and trying to find the reasons why…

I grew up in an intense environment. It seemed to me my dad spent most of his time mad at something. Mostly it seemed to me to be directed at my mom or me, but that was only my observation of the conditions and it may have been misguided somewhat. We all have our faults and one of his was, he did drink a lot and it seemed that when he did, his anger increased. When my mom died when I was 15, it was just me and him and all of a sudden I saw how much he missed my mom. His anger subsided somewhat but we didn’t improve our relationship as I became involved in a cloud filled existence of my own anger fueled by the fact my mom was no longer there. I climbed into a shell of revolting for some reason and I missed (my own doing), a lot of the 10th and 11th grades and to this day I don’t know how I passed and survived the times, but I did. My dad couldn’t control me. He had to work and no one was there to make me be the responsible hurting kid so I was sent to live with my brother and his family for my final year in HS. I’m not sure I would have survived at all if this had not of happened; it was a time of my very first thoughts of suicide. My dad had no choice but to do this. At the time I had no focus at all and it didn’t make any matter to me where I was living. Fact is my brother and his wife saved my life plain and simple.

Dad died in 1991 of cancer and still we never tried too much to repair what was broken in our relationship since my earliest years. I’m sure in his later years, it was my fault more than his. I never felt any pride coming from him. Looking at the big picture, I may not have deserved it in his eyes. He never once told me he was proud of my military times, and even though that hurt, I let it go because it was just not worth the struggle to reason why he did that among other things. My Grandmother told me once I was an accident, not planned at all. At the time I thought that was funny as hell. But when I really thought about it perhaps the answers to my questions were right there on that birth in 1950. My brother was 9 years old so it made sense I may not have been planned. But I never blamed anyone for anything because I was born planned or not.

Fast forward to now. I still, to this day, sometimes on many days, try to figure out why the anger and why the fact he just wasn’t around much. Actually, he was but never did interact much with me and as a family, we hardly never went out much together, ever. He was not easy in public crowds. He was always nervous and on edge, and if he could, he drank. Then things went downhill from there most anytime we did manage to go out’ so basically as a family, we didn’t.

I usually hide those specific memories and will not bring them up here now. A few I will… I played basketball, baseball, and other sports, and never did he see me play; it just was the way it was. The bad thing was, I didn’t actually want him to go because I knew what would happen and maybe he did too and his absence was his only way to not make a fool of himself at my expense. And let me say now, I did not hate him. I did not understand his actions or behavior at all. I just felt so outcasts concerning him. And only in the last year or so have I started seeing a light of some possible answers as to what happened to maybe turn our world on its ear.

I was always asking, why did it have to be like this? I think I am slowly beginning to understand through the social media outlets I visit. In fact I have met a lot of people who have opened my eyes to a condition I overlooked in trying to understand why it was so unstable in our family. I never thought about the possibility he had a deep-rooted reason for his anger both in public and at times at home too. The evidence was there back then but I was not aware of it. For example, If he was asleep and anyone would try and wake him, he would jump and usually yell at or scare to death whoever was waking him up. It was like he was living in a nightmare. It was a kind of hellish action I sort of tried to stay away from. He was suffering and it was a time when there wasn’t any medical programs or support from anywhere to help him out. Let alone maybe tell him what was wrong. Back then we took it as just the way it was. I don’t know to this day why mom put up with it but she did. Maybe she understood why things were the way they were and even kept them from me and tried her best to keep it all smooth running..until her heart gave out. I was 15 when she died. I don’t blame him for that. But I know the stress was taking its toll on her.

All it took was searching and discovering all the things about my dad I may not have been aware of. And perhaps, here is what I really think was the root cause of it all.

The Real Cause Of Hell

My dad was in the navy and went to different places but his real battle came as he fought in WW2 at The Battle of Guadalcanal in the Pacific. Look it up; it wasn’t a very easy battle and it got very ugly very quick and many, many lives were lost on both sides. He fought and did battle with the Japanese and he saw many who died and even was part of the killing that took place. Not one time ever did he discuss this with me. Not one time ever did I ever hear anyone discuss it around me. And now its one of the things I regret the most and am angered the most because had I known, maybe things could have been different …..So how did I first find out?

One day when I was in my very early teens I was snooping around and found some pictures in an envelope along with some more papers about his service. The pictures were horrible. Japanese and American bodies torn apart burned, and cut into pieces by the ravages of war, his war, his nightmare, burned into his memory forever. And now looking back on it I am beginning to understand the impact all this had in his head. And that led to affect his ability to cope with everyday life. Most likely, He had a severe case of PTSD and back then it was not even discovered as a condition that could be treated. I can’t imagine his reaction to a surprise of a new baby, me, coming back then.

I have a lot of Veteran friends I have made on social media that have and are being treated for PTSD. The more I interact with them and talk with some, the more I am understanding why or rather how a war took my dad away from me long before I was even born. He fought for this country’s freedom and in the process, he had to go through, he lost parts of his strength and brought home a damaged memory that perhaps led him to have trouble with coping at all with me and others. But I just didn’t know at the time if this was the case. Mom never told me anything was wrong but it was apparent it was. I remember many uneasy times I spent in fear of the next step he or mom would take. Neither thought I needed to be bothered with the truths I suppose.

And Today is Father’s day. Today I pray that all dads everywhere are rewarded today by the love of God and Family. The families who are dealing with PTSD I pray that with communicating with each other and through support groups and therapy, things can and will get better. I also pray today that my dad, God rest his soul, somehow understands I did love him and he must know I wish I knew what I know today. I know I could have helped him from the everyday nightmare he lived through and I’m so very sorry I couldn’t at the time.

The image here is the only one I have of him. It shows my dad with my stepmom Elizabeth. She got him to open up some because, in his last days, he was content, more content than I ever saw him be. She died in the 90’s not too long after my dad died. It is sad I don’t have anything else to remember him by. No pictures at all, nothing. And I am sure that too may be my fault and I have to be ok with it as much as I can.

I do believe in my heart, the first step to healing is simply to talk more. It’s too late for me to get answers and I am sure if he were alive today, he would not want to talk at all about those nightmares. But I’m also sure if he were alive and I know what I know now, he may get pissed at me but I’d really push him hard to get some of the pain out from his nightmarish memory.

Happy Fathers Day Everyone! God Bless Everyone and God Bless Our Military and First Responders!

And to Dad, I understand now more than ever. I don’t think your anger was directed to me or momma. I miss you and I’m very sorry for ever misunderstanding how life can suck at times. RIP Daddy, you deserve it so much!

Losing An Ex Way Too Often These Days

by with No Comment Family

I posted this a few weeks ago after my ex mother in law suddenly passed away.

I lost someone yesterday that has been in my life for more than 60 years. During my marriage of 29 years to her daughter, she was my mother-in-law. Before that, she and her family lived next door to me during my childhood from when I was 5 until I went to college and the Joined Air Force. She and her husband still lived at the same place through out both of their lives. During my teen years she always welcomed me into her house with open arms as I frequently came down and played with her two kids, one I would eventually marry much later on. And then my mom dies when i was 15.

To say I was a handful is very much an under-statement. And though I was rebellious to be certain, she would watch over me as much as she could or as much as I would stubbornly allow. I will never forget when I was in the USAF, she would write to me and always sign her name and then in parenthesis, (sec mom). In 1981 she became my mother-in-law, and even though we had our differences at times, she always did have my respect, even though I may not have shown it, that respect was very personal, I think for us both. My marriage lasted 29 years and she never one time called me into her home to question me for the break-up, or why it happened, or could it have been prevented. I guess in a way, she must have had a tad bit of respect for me not to hate me or shun me away which she could have done easily. My marriage ended because of one thing only, I failed as a husband by not prioritizing my life at home over my life at other places, mainly managing a race track which consumed way too much of my time, its not a case of live and learn, it was a case of lived foolishly, and lost.

But this is not about my failed marriage, or the death of my ex wife; her daughter, two years ago which hit a lot of us hard in different ways. Rather this is about the death of Willie Lepard; My ex mom in law, my kids grand-mother, and my grand-kids great grandmother. She had to go into the hospital last week for a lung infection and as recently as yesterday morning, she was alert sitting on the side of her bed talking about when she could go home. And then around mid-morning, her breathing became shallow and in less than an hour, she was gone.

I got to thinking last night about how my son and daughter are taking this; not so good to be expected; as is my grand-kids. I got to feeling really guilty as hell for numerous reasons, in fact more than numerous reasons. I had known this lady for most all my life. I had known her in the best of times, and in the worst of times, and every time I saw her, it was like we had been friends and close all our lives; and then I realized, we had. She didn’t judge me, and she sure had her chances to do so. It was her strong devotion to her Christian life that made her the dear soul she really was. I need to learn some parts of that quality of life she had if there is still time for me to do so. Her passing just brings everything a bit closer to reality. It is just another brick in my wall of not only feeling older, but being older.

I have lost my mom, my dad, my ex wife, my father-in-law, and now my mother-in-law, all to cancer or heart disease, except Ms Willie as she was 80+ and just ran out of time in this life. She was a dear lady who came into my life at a very early time and never left. That’s a quality that is special. I guess I am just realizing how special that really was.

RIP Ms Willie. God has you home now. Rest dear soul

Social-Media-Hiatus

by with No Comment FamilyPolitics

A Social-Media-Hiatus! Social media can be brutal, if you let it, cause it, or even just read it. So many topics are piloted by just wanna bees flying around being something or someone they were never intended to be or should have ever chosen to be. So who you let in to your friends list or even what you a part of whichever group can and will be included in your daily nightmarish activities; if you let it. I have, and it is time to step back and breathe slowly and deeply just to regain my composure, what little I have left.

Listening To: S/T by ‘This Will Destroy You’, often abbreviated to TWDY, is an American post-rock band from San Marcos, Texas, formed in 2005. They typically compose lengthy atmospheric instrumental pieces, featuring layers of effects-laden guitar and a heavy usage of dynamics. It is relaxing, mood inspiring, and very mellowing.

Quote of the Day: “It is amazing what you can accomplish if you do not care who gets the credit.” – Harry S. Truman

 

I love social media, but right now I need a vacation away from it for a while. Why? In the -past weeks the debates on our next presidential candidates are never ending and with each day get more and more hurtful/hateful/dreadful. You have people that surely should have been or be behind bars running for the highest office. You have bullies that seem to get more evil on a daily bases. And the mudslinging on SM, (social media)(get your mind out of the online gutter), is uncontrollable, and for the most part wide open as far as how far anyone can go, and believe me, it has gone much further than it should. Frankly I am more than tired of participating on seeing how far of how much mud I can toss. And it seems every day a person who I have casually called a SM friend, now looks down their nose at me. I can handle it, but I just don’t need it right now. Let the circus run its show. You can get where everything stands while you drink your morning coffee and listen to the nights headlines. It has gotten totally nasty and almost to the point of sickening.

So for a while, maybe forever, I am ditching Twitter, Facebook, Instagram, and maybe others and let them hash it all out without me. I just don’t have the energy right now. I know after 30 days twitter w3ill give me the permanent boot, Facebook can allow you to disable the account but to delete it you have to sort of kiss someone’s ass to get that done and Instagram, I really don’t know except I can reactivate it if and when I choose to. Actually Instagram is not usually a problem for me as I don’t get political or personal there but I still wanted to let it too go for right now.

Time To RelaxI still have my Pinterest alive and kicking, as it’s more interesting rather than a bunch of asshats yelling at each other over who said what to whom for whatever the reason. To me its more about images, and maybe a story tied to those images. And my accounts at Google+ and Linked-In don’t get much use anyways so they are staying. My Smugmug page will always be available.

Time to Relax. So my hiatus begins now as I plan to focus a lot more articles here on my last page I will ever develop, and this one is for me and no one else in particular to be honest. I will get into a wide range of topics from my Illness back in 2010, to the work I did in motorsports, to a lot of ups and downs in my roads traveled to get here. Right now my family is in peril. That also has a huge impact on my online activity. Actually I will probably lean on this page to help me deal with what’s happening around me at this time, more on that later.

And so I begin, my Social-Media-Hiatus.

Enter Max – A Rescue Pet

by with One Comment Family

 

This is My Best Friend – Enter Max.

Probably going to see a lot of him off and on. He is my therapist, my companion, and my best friend. I know that’s kind of cheeky but at my age, I am lucky to have any of the three. To be honest, I don’t know what I would do without him. He is simply family, and it would be unwise to call him otherwise.

MAX1He watches TV faithfully and he lets everyone know when there is another dog on the screen. He has a complex about himself,  but he is very guarded about his space outside…if he can see it, he will let it know the boundaries that he has set up for invaders. He’s very bothered by horses, squirrels, and other dogs.

…And I love him to death……without him I am not sure my sanity could stay in check… My sanity is in check?; maybe that’s why he connects to me so much; he knows I am seriously on the edge of insanity at all times. But he works out in his mind my short temper bursts, and my needs that come in waves at times. I have had other 4-legged friends before but Max was and still is here in a time for me at a time that strains my very existence. And all he wants is water, a hug or ten a day, and of course, a bite if everything anyone eats in front of him.

Max is getting old, so am I. I think at times Max can see the pain of me getting older and I know I can see his pain at times. His back legs are starting to show arthritis and he doesn’t move as well as he use to. Sometimes I think he is waiting on me and I may be waiting on him to let go; neither of us will admit it though, so we struggle on together. Love you Max!!

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