I’m Feeling Lost and Old, Again!

This is from a Facebook post I made back in late December 2016, I think. It was a day I was sort of feeling lost and old.

I will be so glad when this month is over with. The political masses are becoming out of control and the civilian masses are running a close second to be sure. I am just tired of it all. I don’t think I’ve spent a more subdued and dark December and January than the one I need to close out as soon as possible. The older I get, the worse it seems to affect me.

People always talk about growing old. There are as many thoughts on the subject as stars in the heavens. But until you walk it or live it, you really have no idea what it’s all about. I don’t consider myself old, but I am beginning to more and more understand what it does to a body and more importantly what it does to a mind. Physically getting old is all about how your body takes to the way it’s changing and being treated and the way it was treated while much younger. Mentally old is a whole other huge group of feelings to deal with, that all seem to be centered on one thing, and one thing only; loneliness. Please note: There is a huge different between being alone and feeling lonely. I am NOT alone.

For an older person, being alone can be attributed to a lot of factors. It can be self-brought on, it can be circumstantial, or it can just be the evolution of things that just, happen. The latter is the case I think that can tear into the mind of an older person and literally drive them to the loneliest places ever traveled in their mind. People you once were used to seeing very often are gone; living their own lives, growing older themselves. Young people who made huge differences in your life have grown up and they too are living there life as should be. It is the natural law of how lives change and move on. It is not easy to deal with and being older makes it really not easy to deal with. I think that’s where I find myself right now. Physically I don’t feel it for the most part but mentally, it’s never been this hard.

Also for some reason or another this past month and a half have been huge in dealing with memories of people who have passed on, loved ones, best friends, parents, classmates, and more. The older you get the more you seem to miss those who you lost, no matter how long ago. They touched your life long before you got to this point of feeling so lost. Would this feeling I am feeling so strongly this year be as deeply rooted if they were still in my life? That’s a very ignorant thought to be sure.

I’ll be 67 in a few months. I’m starting to feel it physical wise. I’ve all but lost my sense of taste or smell. That’s part of the lost, in the Lost and Old I guess.  I think that’s the one factor I miss the most, but in a way I could care less to a degree too. I am told it may be medication, or early onset of Alzheimer’s, or a nasal condition. I’ve been initially tested for all three. Nothing very solid to report at this time, but again I could care less. The other thing I hate is my failing eye sight. Having problems seeing through my eye piece of my camera. And that’s all I am going to say about that right now.

But through the miracles of chemistry, blood pressure is controlled, anxiety is controlled, and cholesterol is negligent. Healthy? What is the definition of healthy at 67? Physically I’d give me an 80-85. Mentally? I’d need to go to summer school to get my grade to a passing level again.

I’m not angry though, it is more frustration than anger. It is, and I loathe these few words, but it is what it is. It is being old-er and starting to feel it in one’s mind. There is no fault like I said before. It is just the next step on the very unsure road called life. I wish things were different, but things go on despite what I wish to happen or not to happen.

I just want these two months to be over with. With the exception of a couple of trips to Muscle Shoals and a few school sports activities, its just been a bad two months. But I have things to do to help some I hope.

I need to go and do a few things I failed to do this December, one was going to see my mom and dad and a few others who left way too soon. My bad for not seeing them this holiday. Maybe the talks with them will shed some light on this entire lost and old funk I am feeling, maybe not. But I know it will make me feel better.