Next week two of my grandsons will graduate high-school. It is scary how fast they grew up on me. I am proud, and sad, and eager to see what lies ahead for the both of them. One is Tanner, (on the right in the image above), the son of my son, Jason, and one is Ethan, (on the left in the image above), the son of my daughter, Darla.
I have been flashing back and forth in my head the last few days from my childhood and then to the time I got married and instantly became a dad; or officially, a step-dad. When I married their mom, Jason had just turned seven and Darla was soon to be three.
I remember the very first day I went to Jason’s school as a parent to pick him up. Earlier in that day, I had gone to a local library and checked out a book that was titled something like. “Being a Step-Parent” As I waited out in the car for Jason to come out to be picked up, I turned to the first chapter and in it contained the following words:
“””Step-parents have no “legal” rights. In other words, they have no right to custody or visitation, they have no legal say in the upbringing of the children, no decision-making rights in terms of choosing schools, doctors, religions, etc.”””
I remember that reading that, hurt, and why I just wasn’t sure. I knew I loved their mom, and loved them both very much. And seeing those words made me feel that love maybe wasn’t really real?? I knew better. But there it was in black and white burning its way through my soul. I didn’t read much further, I didn’t see the need to. All I knew was I tried to place my heart in the right place to teach and show them how much I loved them and how much I loved their mom.
As they grew up, the single most difficult question that was ever and often asked of me, was “Danny, why is your last name Davis and your kids name Moss. I thought they were yours?”” I always took that as a compliment mostly and I usually would uncomfortably reply that I was their step-dad. I don’t know why it was so uncomfortable. In my mind each time this came up as a question, I thought back to the passage in that book….almost every time.
My wife and I divorced in 2009 and she died just a few years ago. In 2010 I got very ill and all of that is history that i don’t care to re-live here. But I moved in with my son and his family and have been here ever since. Maybe I should have said step-son, but either way it’s where I am at. I am very thankful for that.
Which brings me to the upcoming graduation. I am letting it totally mess my head up. I know I am not the model grand-parent, or should I say the model step-grand-parent. I have made mistakes I cannot correct as a grand-parent. I do not get out much for various different reasons. I believe some of it stems from my childhood and my dad. He was so anti-social as I grew up and with my mom dying when i was 15, I became a basket case that didn’t help matters much. I, too, am very anti-social. But I can’t blame everything on my late father as I am sure he did the best he could with his sometimes hard-headed bratty son; me.
The graduation coming up is an important time, a proud time, a family time. And it has made me realize how screwed up I really am. The toughest thing about it for me is my relationships with my grandsons. One grandson I live with, and don’t talk to very much and the other, I have not seen in over two years, and he only lives 5 miles away. 99% of that situation, is my fault. 100% of that situation, I don’t have an explanation for; except I am an anti-social asshole and about being a good step-grand-parent??…I failed miserably.
I really cant wait to see them both cross the stage and get their diplomas. When Ethan gets his diploma, I wonder if they will call out his full name, Ethan “Davis” Malone? That could make me totally cry. His middle name was named after me. It could also make me feel so ashamed of myself. I sure hope it doesn’t rain because if it does, I suspect I wont get to see either in person as their graduations are both held outside and if moved inside, there is limited space assigned for parents only.
I know I’ve failed my grand-kids and my kids in the last ten years. I have no excuse except after my illness in 2010 through 2012, I sort of just became, lost to the world somewhat. It was a slow process but at some point, I seemed to have crawled into a huge hole that I thought was my protection from who knows what. What it really did was cause extreme hurt to some people I love a lot. I pushed myself away from parts of my family. It is a lonely place to find yourself in.
And now, the living being I talk to daily the most is a four legged best friend named Max, who is on his last roads of his life as I try my best to take care of him. And I realize I have been better at taking care of him than I have been a parent or grand-parent these past few years and that carries a huge flaw in what I should have been doing.
Again I repeat my first request at the beginning of this post over on Facebook, please do not reply. If you feel you must, then do it through a PM. I post this for me alone to try and start the much needed healing process. I don’t want anyone judging me or any of my family, its not fair to any of us. I have to deal with the effects of this, my way.
I do so hope the weather gets better next week.!
